So what does a high or Bottom appear to be in Queer Sex?

Queer women are usually right down to really enter it about what we *mean* when we speak about
‘topping’ or ‘bottoming’
— so are we! And that’s why we performed
a whole extensive review
of y’all on the subject a few years back, carrying out the analysis about what y’all mean as soon as you talk about
covers
,
bottoms
,
changes
, and
a lot more
. Bear in mind seems to be the scenario around, though, it decided there clearly was even more to process right here. In spite of how a lot survey data we collect, it really is difficult to access the way that these tactics perform call at our actual resides, and how two different people utilizing the same terms on their own might embody them extremely in another way. It felt like the only method to really explore just how that plays on was to, you realize, keep in touch with each other — so here is a series of talks among like staffers looking to get toward base of just what queer sexual dynamics mean within actual resides. Last time we spoken of
just what our very own different sexual identities “mean”
!

This discussion was around examining the concern of:

Exactly what do we feel our sexual IDs “mean” about united states as “people”, our very own characters or psychological surroundings if we ID a certain means? Do they’ve overlaps with these sense of self outside sleep, or no? will we will think this about others (that a romantic date can be a bottom if they’re coy, or a high as long as they pay money for beverages)? Do we notice other individuals assuming these matters about you (or projecting them onto united states)? Carry out this stuff look like social shorthands, and when so are they annoying or useful? Or carry out they reach genuine methods our very own intimate characteristics are organic expressions of the rest of our own personhood?

Malic:

I’ve had folks think that I’m a leading because I’m masc and that I’ve had people think that I’m a base because i am physically little. This frustrates us to no conclusion, thus I you shouldn’t assume just how other people establish their unique intimate roles. Declaring an identity word like “leading” or “change” seems extremely simplified, but often those terms help create conversations about gender with others I’m matchmaking. Intimate identification words have already been specifically useful whenever somebody seems self-conscious about getting “excessively” delight (wooow, patriarchy provides actually accomplished several on us) and that I can reassure all of them by claiming, “recall, I’m a top!” (for example. “I like doing this to you! This is certainly my personal thing! Providing you enjoyment provides myself delight! Lay as well as go!”).

Rachel:

Ugh Malic that’s very shitty when anyone think something about yourself as one based on the literal actual body!

Malic:

Basically could choose to be taller, I would (typically thus I could go with menswear). But it’s this that I got!

Rachel:

We definitely don’t assume or imagine something centered on additional signifiers pertaining to anyone exact same reasons above, and since i think it can get essentialist in strange techniques quickly (for instance, I am often labeled or believed by brand new associates as a “femme very top,” or sought after by individuals mainly attracted to femme covers, in fact it is therefore bizarre if you ask me as I never ID’d as femme in any message board, i recently have… long hair?). But I feel ambivalent, because it also feels good & attractive for me personally are imagined (correctly) as a premier; I really don’t imagine folks in general must be wanting to pigeonhole however it does feel good (for me) to have situated precisely, because it creates me feel hot & affirmed in my top-ness but additionally because it feels like I was “effective” for some reason to make important components of myself personally readable — or even more precisely, i assume that individuals I relate to are watching myself correctly.

That we think is a lot like queerness as a whole – there isn’t any strategy to “look” queer or directly and we also probably should not just be sure to imagine, but additionally it seems great while I get successfully study as queer by some other queers and terrible when I have look over as straight.

Shelli:

What comes to me a lot of whenever thinking about the presumptions that people have actually with me during intercourse, usually because I’m extremely feminine they think that my goal is to be submissive – which as we talked about
final time
, I have been prior to now for certain women. In years past (not really much any longer, which hopefully implies folks are learning) they thought as a result of my personal dimensions, US 14-16, that I’m actually physically incompetent at getting extremely energetic during sex.

I am probably a lot more flexible, active and energetic than many tiniest men and women I know in terms of fucking. Easily’m sweaty and breathy during sex it indicates I’m having a great time; it’s nothing in connection with my personal dimensions.

I additionally skilled some women — which contains non-black POC ladies — who are anticipating some sort of exoticism because I’m black. Thinking immediately that the intercourse shall be crazy and insane or that i’ll strap them considering this very sexualized form of black colored females that they have produced within minds and most likely viewed on film and television.

Vanessa:

In my opinion when I learned i am truly a bottom, lots of things clicked into place. Its stereotypical to assume anybody likes whatever fancy in bed as a result of looks or presumptions, without a doubt, but discovering MYSELF how what I like during intercourse correlates to the way I have always been in remainder of my entire life had been a really fun disclosure!

But also allowed us to be much more singing and truthful with dates; I’m recalling one specific tinder day from a long time ago exactly who I imagined had been a high from method these were flirting beside me, but I wasn’t 100% certain. They lived style of far off also it surely would definitely be a consignment to create a romantic date to see all of them, and that I was actually putting off asking should they had been a premier because I happened to be just a little shy, then again my personal best friend was merely like “babe, it is perhaps not worth the fuel to set this up if they’re perhaps not attending wanna shag the way you desire to bang,” and that had been very clarifying! I’m by no means proclaiming that all clothes tend to be suitable for all bottoms, that two soles are unable to have an extremely wonderful time together, etc etc, but i’m stating that once we’re dating I think we occasionally attempt so hard to force some thing if it is not likely to happen, being capable determine earlier on when the possibility intimate being compatible can there be has become helpful for me when making sincere naughty connections with people.

I would like to second Shelli that I think most assumptions have been made about me personally in earlier times re: how flexible or active I’ll be considering my fat (I’m a small-to-medium excess fat individual) but I’ve mainly fixed that by only fucking different excess fat people to today and it PROCEDURES.

I additionally look for a lot of joy in only tilting into my personal bottom identification in the same manner it really is enjoyable to slim into my dyke identification, my queer identity, etc. It feels like another playground that we all can play in, and tease both, and really get comfy because just isn’t handy for directly folks, and I like that. Such as my girlfriend and that I constantly joke that because i am a Capricorn bottom I like being the no. 1 pupil, teacher’s pet, etc and since she is a Capricorn leading she loves to become teacher. Do all Capricorn tops/bottoms think that? Perhaps not? But honestly looks like…yes? And that’s a fun joke in order to make about our selves, and an easy way to get a hold of lightness and play in sex and desire. I’m not sure I’m 100per cent answering the question right here but that is the way I think!

Rachel:

i think there is something to that particular Vanessa for certain! Both in a playful method and a life threatening method – like clearly it’s FUN and amusing to be able to joke relating to this together, and gender is meant as enjoyable! I prefer having language for intercourse also like with regards to does not have feeling hefty, and that I have actually area within labels to joke about any of it. therefore feels as though a trust-building personal thing with a sexual lover to tease one another about becoming a high or a bottom or whatever (and may be also hot, and flirting!). In addition though, I get hung-up slightly on that thing of similar “she is a capricorn so she is a high, and that I’m a Capricorn thus I’m a bottom!” I accustomed discuss this with somebody I happened to be online dating and whom I became nearly the same as – I became like ‘I believe enjoy it’s all-natural in my situation to top because i am these a control freak’ and so they would be like ‘Right, additionally feels natural for me to need to bottom and let go of because i am these a control nut!’ Like the thing that makes that distinction??

Malic:

These astrology/ gender character laughs are significantly relatable. As an Aries leading, I shag to win.

Vanessa:

“I bang to win” oh my GOSH Malic sharing that with my personal Aries bff straight away. Rachel in my opinion the hottest aspects of energy characteristics in sex — which i think is really what the top/bottom/switch parts are often when it comes to, and that I believe leads very quickly to kink things that we did not actually get into (also doesn’t have to guide to kink! it is a gateway!) — may be the way that comparable personality qualities can translate into wanting to screw in different ways considering various other personality faculties / trauma / experience / background / interest / etc

Malic:

I became attempting to appear one thing about various personality characteristics colliding, and Vanessa merely nailed it.

Shelli:

I am a double Taurus with a climbing in Pisces and idk just how that plays into my identification but We recognize any and all emails from the Astro queers inside my DM’s telling me how it does (I’m not joking – @AyoShelli on IG)

Vanessa:

And I also would also like to delve into exactly what Rachel mentioned concerning effectiveness of getting LANGUAGE to share with you that which we fancy even when we aren’t yes the reason we want it. To handle the kinkier part of my personal identification somewhat, I think it is important to remember that interaction in a world is vital, of course, if do not understand how to speak about that which we like and that which we’re enthusiastic about and exactly what our restrictions tend to be next we’re in fact undertaking a disservice to our selves and all of our play partners and potentially not even becoming safe. I am some shy to state even more but does which make good sense?

Wow tysm Malic

Rachel:

Omg Malic… I’m in admiration